Oh, You’re Special All Right…

Last week, a customer gave me a Shrek clock. Normally, I only accept cash gratuities. In this case, it would have been rude to decline. This is one of those guys who buys junk at merchandise liquidation auctions and spends his weekends selling cheap, Chinese manufactured, plastic crap in his front yard.

I figured I would give it to whichever of the boys wanted it. Amongst the boys, one has to be careful how one pitches such an idea. If Thirteen shoots down an suggestion, chances are that Ten will shoot it down as well. Just to appear cool in his brother’s eyes. This isn’t a carved in stone rule, but Older Brothers sometimes have sway over the decision making process of Younger Brothers. Not to mention, these two have a history of being overly picky about every damn thing that crosses their path. Their mother is to blame somehow.

So here’s how I pitched it:

“Boys, I have a secret present that a customer gave me. I can’t tell you what it is. You each need to give me a presentation on why you think you deserve the secret present.”

“What is it?”

“A surprise.”

“Yeah, but what?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“It will ruin the surprise.”

“So? Tell us!”

“No.”

“Then I’m not doing any presentation.”

“Fine. I’ll give it to your brother as winner by default.”

“Wait! I’ll do it!”

After negotiations that rivaled the Paris Peace Accords for fruitless bickering, an agreement was reached as to who would go first.

Thirteen led off with an Eddie Haskellian dissertation that included not only some insufferable sucking up, but a laundry list of why he is a wonderful child. It was reminiscent of his giving of thanks before dinner where he thanks God for quite literally EVERYTHING. It was also a lot like when Al Gore ran for President.

Next it was Ten’s turn. It was brilliant in its simplicity.

“I should get the present because I’m special because I came out of Mom’s vagina and she’s special.”

He won the clock.